


white sheets, green tea, and hope

by choose_joy



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Slight Canon Divergence, post 174
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27065188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choose_joy/pseuds/choose_joy
Summary: what happens in the aftermath of the impact.(slight canon divergence, spoilers for episode 174)
Relationships: Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan/Zolf Smith
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	white sheets, green tea, and hope

When people leave your life, rarely is it fair. 

Sometimes it's to be expected, sometimes it's a natural progression, and sometimes? Well. When someone leaves it with no warning, there’s always a sense of incompleteness.

When Wilde dies, Zolf doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t-- can’t-- show it at first, of course. Hamid is a wreck, Cel is clearly not alright, and Azu has her hands full. Someone needs to lay out the bodies. Someone needs to get the work done.

So he works. He closes off the part of himself that feels cracked in two, and he gets to work. Carter first, then Wilde, then the kobolds (and  _ gods _ , he thinks, _ it’s real shit of him to not know their names, still _ ). When they’re lain across the remains of the deck, eyes closed by his own hand, he doesn’t let himself linger. He crosses, leaving them a wide berth, to the other end, where (somehow, for some reason), the spare sheets are still neatly stacked.

It's the sheets that almost break him, somehow. Seeing them there, the last remnants of the bar that Wilde had been so _ happy  _ to build, just... folded up, as if it never mattered. He feels the wall he shoddily built start to crack, and he steels himself once more, grabbing the nearest few sheets and turning on his heel, back the way he came. 

He covers the bodies without looking. Why bother? He knows what they look like. Every time he blinks, the image is seared behind his eyes. He doubts he’ll get any sleep, the way things are going.

When Hamid and Azu return, they find Zolf puttering around the deck, looking through barrels for rations that survived the impact.  _ Zolf’s fine,  _ he says,  _ stop asking.  _ Azu fixes him with a look that means “we’ll talk later”, and Zolf nods, but he keeps moving. 

\-----

Hamid is a wreck.

He almost laughs at himself thinking it. Of course he’s a wreck. He’s never handled grief well, why would this be any different?

Still, it doesn’t help the ache in his bones. Sassraa. Meerk. Wilde. Fuck, even Carter. All gone. All gone with no warning, with nothing that could even count as last words. Just  _ gone. _

Hamid knows he must look disastrous. He can’t stop the sobs that wrack his body, can’t see past the stinging mascara in his eyes. He feels cold, and numb, and so guilty. It's not his fault, he knows that-- there’s no way any of them could have known, could have made it any easier or better, and yet... he can’t help but feel like he should have done something.  _ Maybe,  _ he thinks,  _ maybe if I’d have flown faster, or communicated more efficiently, or something...  _

It’s this train of thought that sends him down another spiral, and where Azu finds him a few minutes later. Azu, bless her, says nothing of real importance, and just holds him as she whispers comforting words in his ear. Her rumbling tone is the most soothing feeling in the world, and Hamid relishes in it as he lets his weeping slowly stop.

When he’s composed himself enough, he squeezes his friend just a bit, and she acknowledges what he’s saying without saying anything in return. Together, they find their way back to the ship (and truly, it’s not hard-- Hamid didn’t exactly make it far before he crashed), and Hamid steels himself as the deck comes into view.

The white sheets he expects, but the minute he lays eyes on Zolf, he knows something is equally wrong with him, even if he doesn’t want to talk about it.

\-----

Zolf knows the look on Hamid’s face. Beneath the tear tracks, and the shaking hands, his mouth is set in a line that says  _ I know you’re not okay but I’m not going to call you out in front of our friends.  _ It’s a look that has rarely been directed at him, and yet... it feels familiar, coming from Hamid.

Azu comes a bit closer to him, claps him on the shoulder, and commiserates with him about their duties together before she moves a bit towards Cel, who has begun pacing a divot in the deck. Everyone has seemed to pair off or form little groups of their own, and there really isn’t anything left for Zolf to even pretend to do, but it's still a surprise when he feels a gentle wisp by his hand, before a more solid presence makes himself known.

“Zolf--” Hamid starts, and Zolf immediately cuts him off.

“Nope. I’m not doing this out here. C’mon,” he takes the halfling’s hand for a moment, tugging him towards the entrance to his quarters before dropping it suddenly.

The walk to Zolf’s quarters is short, but tense. They both know what’s coming, in theory: Hamid will cry, Zolf will try to comfort him, they’ll either get drunk or start yelling, and things will go back to the way they’ve been for a while now-- tense, charged, and melancholy. 

What Zolf doesn’t expect is for Hamid to start making tea, quietly asking Zolf to make them a space to sit. Zolf does so, clearing the corner unoccupied by his bed and desk and putting down the pillows he rarely uses (why does anyone bother having more than one?). It certainly isn’t the best, but in his defense, Zolf didn’t expect to ever have anyone in his quarters.

Moments later, Hamid returns with two glass jars filled with what looks like a mild green tea. “Sorry,” he says, “I had to use magic to heat up the water, so I’m not sure if it’s brewed properly--” he goes to say more, but stops the second that Zolf reaches out for his own jar and pats the pillow next to him.

They sit there for a while, acknowledging that this may be the most time they’ve spent alone together in a long time, especially without fighting. Zolf finishes his tea, and thinks that that’s the last of it when he sets his jar down next to Hamid’s empty one. 

For some reason, that’s what does it. 

The next thing Zolf knows, he’s in tears. Fat, roiling tears that must shock Hamid, who’s never seen him like this. Gods, no one has, not since Feryn died, probably. He expects Hamid to awkwardly leave, or maybe pat his back, or make more tea. He doesn’t expect to be completely wrapped in a hug, his head gingerly placed on a slightly-too-warm chest. 

The hug should be awkward. Hamid’s arms don’t really stretch all the way around Zolf, and he’s just slightly far enough away that it takes some maneuvering to get them into a comfortable position, and they still haven’t addressed  _ them _ , and yet... it's perfect. Zolf can vaguely hear Hamid saying something in a language he doesn’t speak-- arabic, maybe-- and he can feel a few tears that aren’t his own dropping on his head. But somehow, Hamid is warm, and he’s safe, and...

And Zolf loves him. 

The thought only makes him weep harder because it feels like a betrayal. He  _ loves  _ Hamid.  _ Has  _ loved Hamid, for longer than he’d care to admit. Has denied it to everyone but Wilde, who saw through him in an instant. Who was there to tell Zolf that Hamid was back and safe after 18 months presumed dead, who was the best friend that Zolf had had since Sasha, who understood him when no one else did. 

And yes, maybe Zolf had loved Wilde a little bit too. He says as much, through the tears, and he can feel Hamid’s heart stop beating for a second before going back to murmuring in his ear.

They stay like that for a while, for longer than Zolf would care to admit. He feels the fight leave him, and he sags that much closer into Hamid, knowing that when they pull apart, things will probably go back to the way they were: tense and charged and miserable.

He almost doesn’t notice it when Hamid gently kisses the top of his head.

In fact, he thinks he imagined it, but a second later, quieter than anything, Hamid says a phrase in draconic that Zolf, ever the romantic, had picked up in a moment of self pity:

_ I love you. _

The admission startles Zolf and he turns his head up to Hamid, who, in a moment, has turned more ashen than Zolf’s ever seen him. For a moment, neither of them say anything, and then Hamid starts to babble. 

“Oh gods, I just-- I didn’t know you spoke draconic, or at least, well, I supposed you hadn’t learned yet, and I know-- you don’t need to say anything, I know you don’t, or that is to say, you couldn’t because of, well because of-- and I know this is a horrible time to say it, and I’m sorry! Y--you deserve bett--” 

Zolf kisses him.

It's clumsy, and salty, and their teeth clack because, contrary to popular belief, getting someone to shut up by kissing them isn’t the easiest thing.

It's perfect for them.

Zolf is the one to pull away first, rubbing his thumbs along Hamid’s cheeks as he clears off the dried mascara. “I know we need to talk about this, but...” he starts, pausing when Hamid’s eyes reopen, “but I’d really rather just stay here for a bit, if that’s alright with you?”

Hamid, bless him, looks too shell shocked to disagree, and before he knows it, they’ve switched positions a bit so that Hamid is curled up into Zolf equally. They have a lot to talk about, a lot that they’ll need to work through, but for now, humming a listless tune together, they allow themselves to be held, and it's enough.

It’s Cel that knocks them from their position a few minutes later, their hair somehow even more unruly than normal. Luckily, gratefully, they ignore the picture in front of them, instead announcing, in a voice full of timid hope: “There’s a druid here. They say they can help.”

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written anything in months, but 174 absolutely wrecked me, clearly.
> 
> anyway, enjoy some angst-- i'll try to write something fluffier for these two soon! in the meantime, you can check me out at choose__joy on twitter and thisisadingdongblog on tumblr!


End file.
